update!

so i just got back from my appointment and we found out that we are mesuring ahead of schedual ! right now im 34 weeks but mesuring at 36 im also at 2 cm and 40% effaced and at +2 station! making progress! ast one i was only 1cm. i also tested positive for group b strep but thats no big deal i just get to have iv antibiotics durring labor. im getting way more excited about this and i really cant wait till she gets here anybody wanna take a guess lol!

those old familar feelings :(

so through out my pregnancy i have felt great well emotionally anyway that is until the last week. i cant seem to fight this blue feeling and my panic attacks have come back and i have a desperate need to scratch i have thus far manged not to scratch yet but its getting harder and harder not too when i get stressed out or angry or sad i just want to dig may nails into my arm and scratch until that feeling goes away. i know this sounds horrible it is. i know there has to be a better way to deal with this but as to what that better way is i haven't a clue ive tried other things somethings are less extreme other more  but scratching seems to be the ticket. i feel like the only one im hurting is me which im fine with i probably look really really dumb but i never do it in front of people if i can help it. i really would like to not start this up again its been almost a year since i have but i feel so out of control and i feel like i need to and i don't know what i should do about this feeling.maybe i should give in at least till after Sadie is here when i have panic attacks or get to upset it stresses her out i cant explain how but it dose. i know i should probably talk to my Dr but im just afraid that hes gonna tell me im stupid like everyone else dose. i don't normally talk about it because i get the response of oh your just faking it or just don't let it get to you or my favorite or you know its all in your head right? i wish it was as simple as that people! its not do you know how many times im having one and i say this is stupid and its all in my head and to stop? haha you cant imagine how it feels. its not something you can tell your self to stop doing and you cant control it in anyway and half the time there isn't even a trigger it literally just happens. some times even scratching wont calm me down. this is not fun and i definitely don't do it for attention if anything i try to get away from people  when i have them. to add to all this my tiny appetite is pretty much gone im never hungry and cant hardly seem to force myself to eat. im sick all the time because i cant eat and no telling me to eat isn't gonna make me eat i have struggled with this for YEARS and stress makes it worse. i know its not good for me to do that being pregnant I KNOW OKAY? i just cant seem to be able to do it im lucky if i can eat once a day when im not pregnant and since i am i have literally forced myself to and some how i still have managed to gain 40 lbs. i don't know what to do to fix these things it sure feels easier to just give into them. maybe i should but i know that that isn't how we deal things i just wish i had gotten rid of these things for good or at least know how to rid myself of them now but i don't :(

my first cm!

so i went to the Dr today and he did my strep b test and checked to see if i have dilated any and guess what! i have im now one cm which is cool. i also got the okay to go camping next weekend super excited. im getting more excited for her to get here even though her room isn't even started yet as in we don't even have a crib up that's a stress but it cant be helped im trying to just ignore it i wish we had more room in our shed to put stuff but sadly there isn't an inch of space to spare in there *sigh* oh well i really am just trying to not think about it because its really out of my hands at this point im huge and heavy not to mention clumsy and forgetful. i think that if the crib was at least set up i would feel okay but its not possible with the state of the house. its so cluttered with all the stuff from the living room and baby stuff we are both going crazy id kill for some organization alas it cant be done till the wall is completely finished. praying that's soon. anyway i had a baby shower and it was awesome and i got so much and im so very greatful Sadie is gonna be well dressed! i cant wait to see her in everything we got and the lovely blankets and other things we got are just so great!
this pregnancy has had its ups and downs but i feel like its made me a better person and i am so thankful for all the new experiences and can not wait for what motherhood brings